Dear Readers of DOASW,
I got married in 2008.my husband seemed extremely sensitive, patient and in love with me. It was an arranged marriage and we were living with his parents.Since late last year ,our life has been quite rough with him resorting to hitting himself or me over small day to day issues. In July he abused me in public at a family gathering, and threw my bag on the floor saying i didnt deserve to be married to him. He happened to be furious with me cos I didn't make breakfast on a day I wasn't feeling fine.
On another occasion, he slapped me repeatedly in front of his mother as he felt that i wasnt being cordial with his relatives. He even called my parents and abused them for my wrong brought up. Last month he once again got abusive over my not calling his parents over a weekend and slapped and punched me leaving my eye swollen. He refused to take me to a doctor and even took a picture of me just after he slapped me so as to create evidence before any swelling developed. When my parents came over and threatened to go to the police, he was abusive towards them.
He was incapable of having a rational discussion with me, and would land up hitting himself accusing me of driving him up the wall. He hit his head using his hands, or banged his head against the wall. Once he even picked up my slippers and slapped himself. He has always clarified that the abuse was because of me and he wouldnt repeat it.
In a fit of rage, he has broken his phone, thrown his laptop, broken my glasses etc. The wierd part was he would make me keep quiet about the violence and make me feel guilty about and I would even apologise.
I had promised myself that i wouldnt put up with this anymore, and moved out when his abuse didnt stop. He refused to see a counselor, or our pastor and believed that it was because of me. His parents said that he never behaved this way before our marriage and his actions were because of me. Am I responsible of it? Should I help him? He has no respect for my parents, and repeatedly called me a liar when i narrated these incidents to anyone.
There have been the good times, when we have spent time with his friends or relatives. I never realized that i was in such a bad marriage till i thought about it. I was living in hope that it would never occur again and we will be happy, but it doesnt seem probable. His mother says he will become better if we have a child. He hates children and has very low interest in sex. Will such a person change or was i being an optimistic fool? I suspectt he's taking some hard drugs because no sane person would hit himself.I actually dreamt of a great future with this guy... should i give it another shot or just move on?
Am sorry you are going through such.. Domestic violence comes in different shapes and sizes as well as depression and mental illness.. It's mental illness when anyone hit themselves the way you have described your husband.
ReplyDeleteNo one can change anyone, you should not have to carry the burden of changing anyone especially as a grown up. Your husband is fighting his own demons and honestly as sad as it might sound you absolutely can't help him.
From experience, it's common that men with very low self esteem use any form of domestic violence as defense mechanism. The saying "misery loves company" plays a vital role.. Its sad that most women become the punching bag and/or receiver of mental and emotional abuse.
You might not be a saint yourself, we are do wrong, however no one man/woman should be violated violently physically, mentally or emotionally in a union that should be based on love..
Am glad you already took yourself out of the union but you still have a lot of work to do in order to stay happy. First, forgive yoursel, you will get blamed for everything that went wrong I the marriage.. That's very okay because you can't control what any one say about you but you can control yourself.
Forgive yourself, stay away from negativity, stay away from pity parties, the gossiping, the friends that comes to tell you where and when they saw you hubby, who he is sleeping with now and whoever he is doing now. Always remember the reason you left in the first place, except if you want to go back to such lifestyle, then you should be listening to such crap.
Be honest and truthful with yourself, ask God for help, for a lead at everytime you want to do something. Be realistic with how you use religion to help your situation. Prayer works with faith and serious common sense not obsolete and unrealistic ideas.
You have to develop a relationship with God on your own.. Talk to God yourself, you know how painful it is so you can tell your story to God yourself that having some pastor do the job for you. Stay away from negative people. If you have family members who are always negative, learn to love them from a distance.
Forgive, forgive and forgive your hubby for whatever he has done to you.. Forgiveness is beneficial to you mostly than the person you are forgiving. Again, apply common sense.. Forgiveness does not make it okay for people to hurt you, it makes it okay for you to live happy after being hurt and move on quickly.
If you have a job, face it, do it well, be passionate about it. Invest in yourself career wise.. Don't sit there and expect the next man to feed you from your hair to toe.. That's absolutely nonsense!!
Find happiness within you, don't be desperate to be married again.. Divorce gives you a chance to know yourself and love yourself.. If you rush into the next one, then you will rush out again.. You will get pressured, that's okay.. Deal with it well and make you happy.. Nigeria is a society that portrays marriage as investment!!! It's not an investment.. For those that have it good, it's a plus for them, you should not have to suffer in a marriage.. It's absolutely not worth it to live your life for any man/woman. We all have a purpose in life.. We all are unique one way or the other.. No man or woman should have to live under the control of another. It's all about compromise, tolerance, love, respect, communication and God most of all..
I hope you find peace.. His mom is not helping him.. He will remain that way as long as he does not have a sound mind of his own.. And by the way, having a child in a marriage does not keep the marriage.. If it does, then those with kids won't be divorced... And it's insane when many say I am in an unhappy marriage becoz of my kids.. That's a self lie!!!!! If you stay it's coz you want to not becoz of your child or children.. Good luck darling!!!